Sunday, February 26th, 2006
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12:12 pm - I need a bigger vulgar vocabulary...
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I don't have enough swear words to cover working on a sunday after a night of severe sleeping problems.
If this task needed something more than the skills of a lobotomized monkey I might be in trouble. Least I'm getting free lunch out of this.
As always... I need to write more. Get back into the practice of expressing myself and gods know I have enough to bitch about lately. Just need a titch of cognative ability to really get swinging on a rant.
Point of the day however. Getting a down the nose mini-lecture from my sister on how I have to get over this problem with my dad being a spineless sad sack of shit. Not that she put it in some many words of course. Weak is weak and if someone is going to squall and complain about the footprints all over them what the fuck do they expect out of me besides disgust.
Need to work on my creativity. I can almost feel it rot inside me.
Fuck I need sleep bad.
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Saturday, May 21st, 2005
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6:37 am
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{pokes the Zinji}
3 hours til I haul off to the ferry to pick the boy up. Should be a weekend of amusement and games and general rampaging. Ok the boys get to rampage my backs still out rather nastily. I'll stand on the sidelines and smile to myself as they display their youthful male antics for my amusement. Heh..kids these days.
Supposedly there shall be an epic SC2 battle but without seeing Zinj play I think Art's going to walk all over him. History behind it being, Art showing me this cool new game, me beating the living shot out of him all night with it, Art becoming a cheap ass fanatical player in revenge. Guys are always so touchy about being beaten by a girl.
What else on the docket for the weekend.... I think some DnD if I can scrape my battered brain cells together enough to run a mini campaign. Do some wandering around town and introduce Zinj to some of the aspects of the Island.
Zinj is part of "the plan" with some few others that involve moving to the Island here. Wish it was happening sooner than later but there is that whole financing problem. I don't want to end up losing people cause we haven't made realistic plans.
Life in general? Less than sparkling. I know I originally created this space as a rant forget to get the crap out of my system before it poisoned me, but more and more these days I'm just finding it really hard to give a shit at all. Too tired, too drug out and just to damned beaten on to feel like fighting back anymore. I just want to go to sleep and have everyone leave me the fuck alone. Wake up in a few hundred years if at all.
{sighs} Should clean and tidy some more, the bitch doesn't know how much time we're going to be spending here this weekend. Art's parents veto'd a house guest so my tiny hole in the wall is going to play main host. Of course the damned woman is on vacation and dangled a golden carrot of hope in my face over asking about costs of car rental vs a flight to Toronto. Should be interesting to see how this all pans out, can just hope Zinj won't be bored out of his tree.
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Wednesday, April 27th, 2005
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2:32 am
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2:26 am
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And you
Bring me to my knees
Again
All the times
That I could beg you please
In vain
All the times
That I felt insecure
For you
And I leave
My burdens at the door
But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
All the times
That I felt like this won't end
It's for you
And I taste
What I could never have
It was from you
All the times
That I've cried
My intentions
Full of pride
But I waste
More time than anyone
But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
All the times
That I've cried
All this wasted
It's all inside
And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can't mend
But I feel
Tomorrow will be OK
But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
{Outside - Staind}
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Monday, April 11th, 2005
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10:25 am
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Beh, been fucking sich going into somethign like 2 weeks now. Lungs are fine, head's fine, just a goddamned cough that won't go away. Dry raspy hell. Feel like I've been hit by a truck with the beating my ribs are taking from the coughing. Of course it's also april which is hell time for accountants and I'm missing out on serious amounts of hours and pay from this shit. Even tho it's hit the fan at work and I've been called in once already as ill as I am. No sympathy on the home front either, just screaming and bitching about how I'm not doing enough. The troll decided it was better to send me out in the drizzle to pick up her food order than it was to pay 10% more to have it delivered. After I come back and spend the next hour puking in the bathroom she STILL thinks it's a good idea for me to go out and get air. I seriously have to fucking get out of this place. Met some new friends, going to take a trip to seattle in a couple weeks to meet more friends. Should be an interesting get away, my first vacation out of down in years and years.
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Wednesday, February 9th, 2005
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9:30 pm
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And you
Bring me to my knees
Again
All the times
That I could beg you please
In vain
All the times
That I felt insecure
For you
And I leave
My burdens at the door
But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
All the times
That I felt like this won't end
It's for you
And I taste
What I could never have
It was from you
All the times
That I've cried
My intentions
Full of pride
But I waste
More time than anyone
But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
All the times
That I've cried
All this wasted
It's all inside
And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can't mend
But I feel
Tomorrow will be OK
But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
{Staind - Outside}
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9:21 pm
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New favorite MSN tag :
"Bet I can rip your face off in under 10 seconds. Here, time me."
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Friday, January 28th, 2005
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12:39 pm
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You can look, but you can't touch
I don't think I like you much
Heaven knows what a girl can do
Heaven knows what you've got to prove
I think I'm paranoid
And complicated
I think I'm paranoid
Manipulate it
Bend me, break me
Anyway you need me
All I want is you
Bend me, break me
Breaking down is easy
All I want is you
I fall down just to give you a thrill
Prop me up with another pill
If I should fail, if I should fold
I nailed my faith to the sticking pole
I think I'm paranoid
Manipulate it
I think I'm paranoid
And complicated
Bend me, break me
Anyway you need me
All I want is you
Bend me, break me
Breaking down is easy
All I want is you
Paranoid
I think I'm paranoid
Bend me, break me
Anyway you need me
All I want is you
Bend me, break me
Breaking down is easy
All I want is you
Steal me, deal me, anyway you heal me
Maim me, tame me, you can never change me
Love me, like me, come ahead and fight me
Please me, tease me, go ahead and leave me
Bend me
Break me
Anyway you need me
As long as I want you baby it's all right
Bend me
Break me
Any way you need me
As long as I want you baby it's all right
{Garbage, 1998}
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Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
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8:55 pm
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Rain rain rain rain rain rain rain.
Woo water.
Got my first shift at Dad's office today. Was complete and utter bullshit. Zero workspace for me, I'm shuffling around with papers trying to find room to do anything at all. Couple hours of that and my sister leaves and I finally get to use the desk and computer. Not without getting lectured on using the computer and what I'm not allowed to do with it. Swear she's getting more and more like mom every day. Paranoid obsessive compulsive with debt out her ass and spending habits that are going to make sure it stays that way.
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Tuesday, January 11th, 2005
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6:39 pm
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Had a new idea for a web comic/graphic novel. A dark post apocalyptic kinda thing with an ugly twist on how humanity went out. Scribbled a rough draft of the intro background soliloquy which I might try and post up in abit when I trim the rough edges off. Really have to work on practicing drawing, either that or find an artist who can flesh out my imagination up to my picky standards, which I don't think is likely. So will just have to dust off what little skill I have and scrape out something half satisfactory myself
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Sunday, January 9th, 2005
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9:45 pm
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So I hear a friend of mine in Australia has had a serious accident. He was drunk and fell off a second story balcony. I'm not sure what he landed on but he did it very badly since his injuries are as follows. Shattered leg (not broken shattered), dislocated vertebra and skull fractures in six places requiring some serious facial reconstruction. Not to mention various other contusions, scrapes and bruising.
So my first thought is that is tragically amazingly horrific for the guy. Immediately following that is the thought that I've been at more house parties than I can remember with people on anything and everything you can think of and the only person to ever go over a balcony had help. Five foot front porch not counting. Now I attributed this to being hideously depressed then drinking on top of it and getting the idiotic idea that a two story drop can finish the problem. Would not be the first person, I'm sure he wouldn't be the last either. Our mutual friend who told me after getting the call from the hospital completely blamed the injured party and sluffed it off as an idiotic drunken "accident".
So the friend who told me about this happened to mention some new news about the whole sad incident. That he had been on the phone with his drunk friend and had jokingly made the comment that Exo should kill himself and it'd be "chief" as in really cool idea. Then the mutual friend went for a drink and when he got back thought he'd been hung up on. Now I don't know about you but I'd be just a little but concerned about that. Now he comes to me and says it's all my fault, so on and so on and the phone was found in a puddle of vomit and Exo threw himself off the balcony. Not exactly news to me but the denial in Cy about even admitting that he told me about Exo's depression is extreme. He's feeling awful and guilty and angry, which he should be in my mind. However he's refusing to admit to the fact he told someone he knew was depressed and emotionally unstable a close friend none the less to go kill himself with immediate results. I'd like to grind in the point of wrongness here but I just don't think he'd get it.
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Friday, January 7th, 2005
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6:33 pm
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Just when I get through explaining that it almost never snows in Victoria...
Don't know what the official measurement is, and with all the gusting and drifting it's a bit tough. I *think* we're looking at about 3-4 inches in our part of town and some places on the island were reporting 6 inches or more.
The drive to drop the mother off this morning went well enough, slow but no problems. The car port wasn't worth a lead nickle with the wind and scraping it off did a bloody number on my hand, literally. Hit the grocery store on the way home to pick up a load of staples since we always seem to manage to have a bare cupboard whenever the white stuff starts flying. Hauling groceries went and totaled my hand the rest of the way so more than a little crippled at the moment so going to happily slack off and heal up for the while.
Gaming has branched out a bit and it's going well. 2 groups, one evil, one good playing against each other, seeing who can effect the world more. Took awhile to get everyone actually together and settled into their roles, and I'm missing a good player at the moment but I have some hopes for a decent story out of this all.
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Thursday, January 6th, 2005
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11:20 am - Fuck you, and not in the good way either
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I need to write more.
Usually I'm only mouthy when things suck and life is blowing especially hard. When times are good I'm just a purring kitty wrapped around your ankle and words don't factor into the equation.
However shit has been happening all over hell's half but I've just been sucking it up and carrying on. Classic bottling effect with a nice little dose of denial on the side. I'd actually thought I was doing pretty decently, I seemed relaxed and on top of things but looking back now I think it was all just lost in the wash of physical strain. Having your fingers split open and watching yourself bleed on the floor is a pretty good wake up call. Would be interesting if everyone else had the same stress related skin problems, be able to take in in a blink exactly how well they were coping with their own inner daemons. Just for my own sadistic giggles I might post pics of the bloody tissue after I have the next accidental rupture.
So the fun event of the day that I'm still choking on quite a bit. Fucking bitch whipped her keys at my face this morning and missed thank gods and got me in the throat. Then she cracked up like it was the most hilarious thing she's seen in an age. Been fighting with the insanity in this place so much lately. Until today I wasn't quite able to decide if she was getting more fucked up or if I was getting thinner skinned. A flying fistful of metal later and I have my answer. Since the damned woman doesn't seem to be fulfilling my wish of dropping dead I've started the scrape around to see if I can't get the fuck out here before she finds something bigger or her aim improves.
What next. Oh yes, out of the blue I'm becoming everyone's relationship counselor. Before, after or in the middle of "Oh my fucking god what do I do now?!?". Of course they all seem to ignore the fact I've been single for years and I've lost count of the number of relationships (among other things) I've fucked up over time. Fine it wasn't always my fault but the point stands. Sure I've learned a hell of a lot from it all, I've always worked on understanding the human condition and motivations. I suppose I don't mind helping, that is what friends are supposed to be for right? Just something kinda gets me in the gut everything it happens. Will write if I ever figure that one out.
Skin flaking into the keyboard, time for a break but more to come cause I seriously need to take this edge off before I do something I regret. Not that I ever feel regret or guilt, so more like something everyone around me will regret.
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Thursday, December 16th, 2004
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7:53 pm
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Instructions: Take this list of authors, remove those whose efforts do not grace your shelves, and bring the list up to ten by adding some more that do. (New paragraph indicates newly-added authors.]
Mercedes Lacky
Terry Pratchett
Terry Goodkind
Steven Brust
George RR Martin
Jean M Auel
Tad Williams
Simon R Green
Marion Zimmer Bradley
Aleister Crowley
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Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
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11:48 pm
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Monday, November 29th, 2004
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11:02 pm
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Think I'd honestly kill someone if I could find the energy. Can't even get a grip enough on my tired mind to post what I wanted to post about since it seems to have melted out of my mind.
My skin is really tingly in a non painful pins and needles kind of way.
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Thursday, November 25th, 2004
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6:09 pm
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Serious pet peeve. Mum trying to sing along to my music in the car.
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Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004
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5:23 pm
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Forgot how much strain it was to go from happy accounting job sitting at a desk playing with oh so taxing pieces of paper to chasing customers around a retail front while vainly trying to shuffle too much stock in too little space while also begging the cash register to like you.
So now I am finally sitting on something padded and supportive while attempting to sooth the mix of throbbing pain, pins and needles, overheated swelling and screaming joints back and general jello impersonating lower extremeties. Only to get to go back and do it all again tomorrow.
My chiropractor is going to be so happy to see me.
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Monday, November 15th, 2004
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12:41 am
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Watching a documentary on people climbing Mount Everest. It seems to monumental of an act. Epic, life changing... One fact the mention just stick so loudly in my mind contrasting what they are attempting with normal life. If someone from sea level (Victoria, B.C.) were to be transported immediately straight to the Everest base camp, they would be unconscious in a couple of hours and dead shortly thereafter. The adaptability and perseverance of the human race, not to mention our desire to prove those abilities never ceases to amaze.
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Saturday, November 13th, 2004
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1:52 am
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If I had a knife I didn't have to worry about lopping my hand off with, or getting tetanus from I might be a danger to myself. Suppose there is something to be said for living out of boxes and not knowing where anything is. Maybe I'll go shopping tomorrow...
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